10 Rules of Fighting Fair
- By Dr. Irina Kerzhnerman
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- 29 Jan, 2019
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Here are some things to keep in mind when you want to "fight fair":
1) Remember that you love this person! – Your mission in the argument is to express your point of view – not to hurt the other person’s feelings or attack them. Hurting someone’s feelings pretty much insures that they will not listen to what you have to say. That doesn't mean you can't be angry. It means that your anger doesn't steamroll over your other emotions towards this person.
2) Use "I" statements. – “ I” statements help keep you focused on what it is you are trying to say about how you feel. They also help you avoid attacking the other person and cue the other person in to what you are trying to communicate. Avoiding statements that start with "you always" or "you never" prevents the person from feeling attacked. An attacked person defends themselves. An attacked person doesn't listen.
3) Watch your tone of voice – The louder you yell, the less the other person can hear you! If you notice your voice getting louder, STOP and take a deep breathe before going on in a lower tone.
4) If you can’t say something constructive, don’t say anything at all – It is better to walk away from an argument than to let it escalate when you feel you can’t control yourself. Give yourself and your partner room to breathe and cool off!
5) Before arguing about it, ask yourself “how important is this really?” – Rule of thumb: If you won’t care about it in 2 days, it probably isn’t worth arguing about. Another rule of thumb: If in the middle of the argument you can’t remember what you are arguing about, it’s probably not worth arguing about.
6) Stick to the CURRENT point – If you must bring up a past argument or situation, specifically point out the connection between that event and the current argument. Warn your partner that you are bringing this up in context not content. Avoiding "..and another thing" comments keeps the focus on what you want to say in the moment. Generally, people can process one point at a time. If they get overwhelmed or confused by what you want to focus on, people will typically stop listening and tune you out.
7) Own up to your part – Try to stop and think about what part you are playing in the conflict. What can you do to tone things down and move the communication from argument to conversation? For example, sometimes you need to admit that you are being irrational, sarcastic, or cranky.
8) Identify an acceptable outcome – In every interaction, there is an ideal outcome and an acceptable outcome. You may not get your ideal outcome (“I promise honey I will always clean up after myself “). What would you be willing to accept (“I will go do the laundry right now.”)?
9) Paraphrase to make sure you are hearing each other correctly – Repeat in your own words what you just heard your partner say. Make sure you are responding to what they are saying and not what you think you heard!
10) Peace offerings and Making up – Remember that the argument must end. When it is all over, remind your partner that you love them even when you argue.
In the arena of well-being care, we loudly and regularly support the importance of gratitude. It is an accepted "truth" that appreciating what one has in life supports feelings of joy, contentment and satisfaction. But, this client came across an interesting dilemma. By defining Gratitude as "I have everything I want out of life", he found himself in a paradox. He found himself not giving himself permission to explore the changes he wanted to make and how they would enhance his satisfaction in himself because that somehow felt "ungrateful."
In our conversation, we came to the awareness that my client was stuck in a This OR That trap. In trying to figure out if he was grateful for his life, he had created two categories - grateful and ungrateful - and was trying to determine which one he fit in. But, that mental trap created a categorization that isn't accurate. He was finding himself both This AND That. He was fully grateful for the blessings of his life. AND, he was ready to explore ways that he can challenge himself to achieve new things. Ironically, without embracing that both can exist at the same time, he was standing in his way of truly having either.
Think about the areas of your life that are just not as satisfying as you would like them to be. Are you settling for those areas to be mediocre because you are choosing to focus on your blessings? Are you asking yourself to choose between This OR That in such a way that you don't feel empowered to make changes or feel guilty about wanting more? What if you could do both?
Challenge yourself to define Gratitude as the awareness of your strengths, your blessings and all the things that make your life what you want it to be. Gratitude is not about "my life is perfect." Gratitude is being thankful for the personal power, strength and courage to go out there and always strive for more challenges.
So much of our time and energy can be wasted trying to change something that is outside of our control or neglecting to do something that could bring about something we want. Without exception, this always brings about frustration and agitation.
Serenity, or peace of mind and heart, comes from being able to accept that there are things in our world that we just do not have the power or ability to change. They are outside our domain and outside of our ability to control. Mostly, this falls under the actions of other people. When what we want most is dependent on someone else doing something in a specific way, we need to remember that we cannot make someone do something. The only part we can control is our actions. Sometimes, that means changing our approach to the situation or having the courage to step outside our comfort zone and do something new. Sometimes, that means accepting that we cannot have what we want exactly how we want it. And, although this can bring profound disappointment, disappointment is better than the frustration and anger that comes with continuing to put effort into something that cannot go our way.
The other line in the Serenity Prayer is "...and the wisdom to know the difference." The hardest part can be evaluating a situation to determine where the need for courage ends and the need for acceptance begins. Each situation is different. Often we feel like accepting is the same as giving up. But, it isn't. Accepting allows us to know our limits and put our resources into other things that stand a chance at bringing us happiness.
Wishing you Serenity, Acceptance, Courage and Wisdom!