Inner Critic vs. The Inner Coach: Using Positive Self-Talk To Motivate Your Success
- By Irina Kerzhnerman, PhD
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- 26 Feb, 2019
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We often have good intentions to make healthy life decisions and stick with them. Somehow, it seems like “things just get in the way.” We find ourselves saying, “if only this were different, I would be successful.” What needs to be different is our INNER VOICE. The way we speak to ourselves makes the difference between giving up and reaching our fullest potential.
The “inner critic” demands either perfection or surrender. We’re very familiar with that little voice that nags us into believing that anything other than a 100% success rate is not worth trying. It points out our previous “failures” and tells us that other things will stand in the way of getting what we want. In a word, it sabotages our efforts. It breaks us down before we even get started.
The “inner coach” supports our efforts, motivates us to keep trying even when we’re not 100% successful, keeps us practicing for success, and helps us figure out what we’re doing that could be standing in the way of our performance. Think of it as a personal trainer for your attitude! This is the voice we NEED to listen to. So, it is in our best interests to make sure that this voice is loud and proud in our daily thoughts.
Enhancing Your Inner Coach
Step 1: Figure out what you want to accomplish
This may seem self-explanatory but sometimes the reason we don’t notice our success is because we don’t have clear goals. Saying, “I want to lose weight” is a big task! Telling yourself, “I wan t to stick to the diet I choose for one month” or “I want to lose 5 pounds” gives us a finish-line. Once we are clear on what we are trying to accomplish, we know when we're getting close.
Step 2: Set yourself up to meet your goal
Think about what you would need to do to accomplish the task. Break the goal up into smaller steps that lead you in the right direction. That way you know when you’re on the right track. For example, want a new job? How about updating your resume, registering with an online classified service, researching the industry in your area, contacting prospective employers? Along the way, you can see your progress and redirect yourself from going off-track.
Step 3: Remove obstacles and problem solve
Pay attention to the things in your life that could stand in your way. Most of the time, with some planning and problem-solving, an obstacle can be removed or, at least, set aside for a while. You may have to ask others to help. A coach isn’t much good without a team! Some things to look out for include making excuses for why you can’t follow through, scheduling too many things for the same time, and making decisions that bring you further from your goal.
Step 4: Reward your success.
Give yourself a well-deserved acknowledgeent for progress made. Remember you are shooting for progress, not perfection! The bigger the success, the bigger the reward should be.
Am I demanding perfection instead of rewarding progress?
Am I exaggerating the challenges or making excuses for why I can’t possibly succeed?
Am I hungry, angry, lonely or tired? Is this interfering in my ability to make sound decisions?
Is this line of thinking going to help me or discourage me?
If I wanted to be more positive, what would I say to myself?
In the arena of well-being care, we loudly and regularly support the importance of gratitude. It is an accepted "truth" that appreciating what one has in life supports feelings of joy, contentment and satisfaction. But, this client came across an interesting dilemma. By defining Gratitude as "I have everything I want out of life", he found himself in a paradox. He found himself not giving himself permission to explore the changes he wanted to make and how they would enhance his satisfaction in himself because that somehow felt "ungrateful."
In our conversation, we came to the awareness that my client was stuck in a This OR That trap. In trying to figure out if he was grateful for his life, he had created two categories - grateful and ungrateful - and was trying to determine which one he fit in. But, that mental trap created a categorization that isn't accurate. He was finding himself both This AND That. He was fully grateful for the blessings of his life. AND, he was ready to explore ways that he can challenge himself to achieve new things. Ironically, without embracing that both can exist at the same time, he was standing in his way of truly having either.
Think about the areas of your life that are just not as satisfying as you would like them to be. Are you settling for those areas to be mediocre because you are choosing to focus on your blessings? Are you asking yourself to choose between This OR That in such a way that you don't feel empowered to make changes or feel guilty about wanting more? What if you could do both?
Challenge yourself to define Gratitude as the awareness of your strengths, your blessings and all the things that make your life what you want it to be. Gratitude is not about "my life is perfect." Gratitude is being thankful for the personal power, strength and courage to go out there and always strive for more challenges.
So much of our time and energy can be wasted trying to change something that is outside of our control or neglecting to do something that could bring about something we want. Without exception, this always brings about frustration and agitation.
Serenity, or peace of mind and heart, comes from being able to accept that there are things in our world that we just do not have the power or ability to change. They are outside our domain and outside of our ability to control. Mostly, this falls under the actions of other people. When what we want most is dependent on someone else doing something in a specific way, we need to remember that we cannot make someone do something. The only part we can control is our actions. Sometimes, that means changing our approach to the situation or having the courage to step outside our comfort zone and do something new. Sometimes, that means accepting that we cannot have what we want exactly how we want it. And, although this can bring profound disappointment, disappointment is better than the frustration and anger that comes with continuing to put effort into something that cannot go our way.
The other line in the Serenity Prayer is "...and the wisdom to know the difference." The hardest part can be evaluating a situation to determine where the need for courage ends and the need for acceptance begins. Each situation is different. Often we feel like accepting is the same as giving up. But, it isn't. Accepting allows us to know our limits and put our resources into other things that stand a chance at bringing us happiness.
Wishing you Serenity, Acceptance, Courage and Wisdom!